9 Excruciating Signs You've Completely Lost Yourself In Your Relationship

9 Excruciating Signs You’ve Completely Lost Yourself In Your Relationship

People act in really unappealing ways when they lose themselves in their relationships.

I know this intimately because I see it every day in my work, but also because it’s happened to me. When I originally wrote this article back in summer of 2015, I had totally and completely lost myself in my marriage.

If you’re unhappy with your relationship, this is for you.

I’ve been going through a rocky time in my own relationship. And after a LOT of rational self examination, I’ve come to the depressing conclusion that I’ve done exactly the opposite of what I teach, and that thing is…

I completely lost myself in my marriage.

Now, “losing yourself in your relationship” is a trite phrase thrown around ALL THE TIME by relationship coaches— myself included. But I’ve noticed that while people might talk about it, they don’t deal with it in real time very often.

I can look back on many failed relationships of my own and nearly pinpoint the exact time it happened, but this time, the terrifying realization dawned on me in real time that I was  screwing up.

That’s why I had to write about this— both to help you lovely readers AND to make myself a rough guide– a roadmap– so that this never, ever happens again.

Here are the 9 most obvious signs you have completely lost yourself in your relationship:

1. You’ve lost touch with your own goals, passions and life purpose.

Remember when you were so full of hope? Feel like that’s been crushed and you’ve let your life’s purpose fall by the wayside?

That’s a big red flag that you’ve allowed yourself to take the backseat in your relationship.

2. Instead of speaking up about your wants and desires, do you consistently let them fall by the wayside?

I’m not sure why sometimes it seems so important to forgo what we want for what we THINK someone else wants in our relationships.

Do we do it in favor of… approval? Not rocking the boat?

Maybe because like hoovering down an entire bag of Doritos, ignoring what we really want feels great in the moment.

When we ignore things like our desires and wants that are messy and take hard work, we can put our head in the sand. We don’t have to do anything about them. We can go on like it’s all not happening, until we’re so overtaken with regret and resentment that we just can’t stand it any longer.

3. You’re going through the motions.

For most, life goes something like wake up, take kids to school, go to work, deal with the kids, sleep. Rinse off. Repeat. Carve out a few minutes of “quality time” on the weekend.

Repeat. Over. And Over.

This probably wasn’t at all what you pictured when you were a kid and you plotted out the way you thought your life would go. If it wasn’t bad enough, your sense of humor seems to be on hiatus as well.

4. You’re living a worried, hand-wringing, fear-based life.

You’ve allowed the creepy “what ifs” to lurk around and rule your life.

“What if” you die in that fiery crash? Better not buy that motorcycle. 

“What if” you never get famous and make doing your art? Better not even bother to sketch anything. 

“What if your spouse doesn’t take the right exit on the freeway? You could be LATE!” The horror.

“What if…” “What if…” “What if…”